In my 5 years of cutting, I had never used a razor until today. I shouldn’t be proud of that. Its pathetic that THIS is what makes me feel “better”. I’m only lying to myself. I cut the word ALONE deep to make sure I scars, its to remind me I only have myself.

I used to look forward to coming home from school, but I don’t anymore. I’m not happy at school, and I’m not happy at home. I was sick Monday, yesterday and I missed half of today so now my parents won’t let me go to my friends birthday party, and I understand why and all, but I honestly don’t think I’ll last a whole weekend stuck at home. My sister won’t even be around for most of it so I know I’ll feel more alone than ever. I hate this town, I hate my life. I don’t have a purpose or motivation to live anymore. Everyday things get worse. If it were as easy as choosing to by happy, I would, but its not. Its like there’s a monster inside me. The monster knows my deepest secrets, and biggest fears. It’s using them to make me weak and it reminds me of how pathetic I am everyday. I know there’s tons of people who would love to be in my place, I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I should love my life and be grateful for what I have, I should be enjoying myself and living without the anxiety, depression, and cutting. I should have never let things get this far. I wish I could have taken control while I still had the chance. Its too late. The only thing that’s ever on my mind is suicide. It will be the death of me. I am my biggest fear.